i’m not goin’ down without a fight

April 16, 2007 at 9:27 pm (nonfiction, personal)

well so those that pay any attention to the scat and trails i leave across the tubular intarwebs are probably aware i haven’t been a very happy boy this last week.

it doesn’t seem to be changing much, either.

no way to tell for sure, really, but this feels different than the usual “blues” i get pretty frequently.
i can’t remember for sure, but i don’t even think i felt like this when i broke up with my last ex.

at this point its clear that the event which prompted my highly melodramatic post a week ago is, while disappointing, in no way deserving the internal reaction that it seems to have triggered.

at this point, i believe that this was something which was waiting to happen. something would have triggered it, if not that, then something else. it probably didn’t really matter what it was.

regardless, there’s no fucking way i’m just gonna succumb to the foolish notions of my mind as i did in the past.
fuck that shit.

so i am currently working on plans to try to nip this crap in the bud, or at least keep it under control.
step one is some return to focus on spiritual matters.
that probably sounds strange to anyone who knows me since i usually identify as atheist.
but back in about ’00 or ’01 when i was in my worst depression i did some reading of eastern religious texts and tried some meditation and it seemed to help me a bit. i’ve always wanted to pick up a copy of the dhammapada (one of the main buddhist texts) and the tao te ching, and so this weekend i did.
i’ve decided that i’ll spend about an hour every day reading those and meditating.

i’m also doing some fasting.
that might be more symbolic than anything else. i dunno. but a lot of religions have fasting practices, so i figure it can’t hurt to give it a shot.
will at least help me toward some level of physical if not spiritual purity.

i may also try to do some private journaling again.
that’s something i’ve always wanted to get in the habit of doing, but i’ve never managed to keep it up, especially when i feel like there isn’t anything much going on. i kept a journal fairly regularly all through my year of americorps, and for awhile after that, but i don’t think there’s been an entry in that book since i broke up with my last ex, and that was back in like september of ’04.
still, it might help to give it a shot again.

alls i know for sure is i’m not going down without a fight this time.


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